Learning To Love Myself at 27
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“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You”
I never truly understood the importance of my mental health until now. My late 20’s have certainly tested me in more ways than just one. Some people may think the emotions I feel are just feelings that I can just “get over” easily. But it really isn’t. I honestly have never felt the way I felt these last few months. I slowly became someone that I didn’t recognize.
The days began to be long and dreadful and I would catch myself going in and out of my feelings. I wasn’t happy nor was I sad. I would go to work and sit at my desk, not realizing how much I was out of it, until someone came and asked me if I was okay. That’s when the water works would start. I would cry and cry until I honestly couldn’t cry anymore. It was a vicious cycle.
I slowly began to distance myself from people and not want to engage in much. I didn’t want to hang out or plan anything. And if you know me, I LOVE to plan social hang outs and dinners. It’s what I live for. But it just happened. I didn’t want to be bothered. I preferred being alone. If I could, I would just go walks or to the bookstore. I started losing my appetite. I would go a few days eating little to no food. I wouldn’t be hungry and I would rather spend my time tuning out the world and listening to my music.
The hardest part of this all was not being able to fully explain how or what I was feeling. I couldn’t talk to anyone, not even my loved ones. I feel like I would be a bother. So even if I would picked up my phone to reach out to someone, I would turn my phone back down, clutch my fist in anger and cry in frusteration because I had so much to say but had no way to put it into words for someone to understand me.
I have never been the best verbal communicator. My words would come out one way when I was thinking it in another. I learned that I was better at expressing myself with my writing. So, I decided to write out my thoughts and it flowed out so naturally. I began to write page after page with my thoughts and I slowly felt a weight being lifted off my shoulders. Once I was finished, I ripped every page into pieces. This was the most satisfying thing I did. I realized I needed to take control of what I was feeling and needed to get back to who I am as a person.
I no longer just blindly scroll through social media being sad because I see people “living their best life” and I’m envious of their vacation. Having that social media detox was such an eye opener. We get so caught up with our phones and the internet, that we forget to appreciate the beauty and people that are currently around us. I think It has been one of the things that has helped most with this. Focusing on myself has been the best thing I can do.
The gym has been such a great outlet. Instead of lying in bed looking at Instagram or wanting to go out after work, I decided to just go to the gym. It was time alone that I really get. I just put my headphones in and sweat it out. I’ve lost a lot of weight but also gained strength through it all, both physically and mentally.
I’m in such better place now. I’ve had the time to reflect and just focus on me. I learned to accept my flaws and really just look at myself in a different light. There are things we can and cannot control. I now just brush it off. If I can’t change the situation or how someone feels, I move on. That’s it. Plain and simple. No more dwelling on the thought of how things could’ve been different. No longer stressing over the little things. Surround yourself with people who truly want the best for you and don’t want to change who you are. Having that support really makes a difference.
After all is said and done, I just wanted to say, your mental health really dictates a lot in your life. You really do have to love yourself first. Give yourself the attention you deserve. If you haven’t taken the time for yourself, go ahead and do it. Whether it’s getting a massage, going for a walk, or just simply declining plans cause you would rather stay home and watch Netflix, It’s never too late to start :) Ready, Set, Self Care!
With Love,
Niki <3